Well what a journey I have had! A journey I have obviously been searching for throughout my life, and yet it took a bombshell to align to it.
So let me start at the beginning…pull up a chair for it is a yarn I am about to tell. You comfortable? Cuppa in hand?
So let us begin….
It starts way back when I was little, my childhood wasn’t easy, I was favoured by one parent and had a tempestuous relationship with the other. My dad was my world, mum I avoided, simple as that. One of my early memories was of my mum with her hands around my throat, we fought, we screamed you get the picture. My younger sister was mums and I was dads that’s how we rolled. If only it was that easy, dad you see was exacting in order to be his chosen one I had to be perfect.
When I was 9 dad left the safety of the RAF for civilian life, we relocated to Essex but I didn’t fit, having moved a lot I had a strange accent and was bullied, but made friends with two girls who were my everything that is until senior school, they went to grammar school I wasn’t allowed to take my 11+ so was destined for the local comprehensive. I decided to take matters into my own hands, dad wasn’t around and mum and I were really struggling, I insisted mum apply for a scholarship to boarding school, exam sat, interview held. I failed ☹️ Mum brought me my uniform and then I was called and offered a place, turns out I narrowly missed out and the girl who was offered dropped out. Mum refused to allow me to take up the place, money was tight and she could I’ll afford to buy another uniform, oh how my hatred for her grew and festered.
So off I go to the comprehensive, and actually my 1st year was THE best I made friends, was in the 2nd set and all was looking good, however it was all set to change, I was dropped down a set, my so called friends dropped me as I wasn’t good enough for them, and the next set down had already made friends. I drifted lonely around that year, but salvation came in a new girl, my soul sister Sarah. She was to join my set and I was given the opportunity to show her around. Walking home one night I spotted her walking in the same direction, so the next day I pulled on all the courage I could muster and spoke these words “you walk home the same way, can I walk with you” in a way only 12 year old girls do. We still giggle over this to this day 😊
She was my rock, her family was amazing and I spent more hours at her house than anywhere else. We were inseparable
Life however didn’t get easier, the choosing of options came and this wasn’t going to be my choice, my dad had a clear idea of where my future lied and we fought, we battled and eventually we comprised.
I became a rebellious teen, hardly bothering with mum, and spending as much time out with Sarah as I could, we drank a lot, lay in her room listening to Rock music, hanging out with the lads, I began seeing my first boyfriend Jason.
Life in this world was good… life in the other hard…
Mum gave me my portion family allowance and refused from this point to buy me anything, no toiletries or clothes and as it wasn’t a lot I got a Saturday job to buy myself the things I liked, I had lots of chores and as I wanted to see my friends I sacrificed my studies, and yep you guessed it I failed my GCSES passing only 2.
Dad had a career path mapped out and had taken me to colleges to enrol, I was excepted to one, but didn’t want to go, so without my parents permission turned the place down, you can imagine my house late August when this was discovered!?! Dad would drag me out of bed early to apply for jobs in the papers, I spent many hours sat at that table writing letters 😂 but I was offered a YTS with the local council as a business administrator.
You would think things would be easier now, but I was still with Jason who by now was mentally abusive and controlling, but he loved me and I felt I belonged, so I stayed faithful, Sarah and I fell out over this and didn’t speak for a while. We were engaged at 17. I was by now drinking excessively, it was my outlet.
At 18 we were in our local when this lad starts trying to get my attention, this was new and I wasn’t sure what to do, anyway I was with Jason so I ignored him, he left his number as he left, I threw it away, but Sarah claimed it, set up a secret double date, and I really enjoyed myself, I decided that Jason wasn’t my future and I could leave him. Which I did, he then became my stalker, and my new relationship didn’t last because of this.
I was desperate to be loved, and at 19 broke my dads heart by announcing I was pregnant, I have to say my parents were amazing! They supported me with the childcare so I could continue to work, and at 20 I rented my first home.
My life revolved around Leah, she was the best thing to happen to me and I loved her so much, I would hurry home from work to spend those few magic hours before bed with her. She was a joy and my saviour.
At 21 Sarah insisted I head out to a club for a friends birthday, my parents wouldn’t babysit so she organised her parents, it was in this club I met my soulmate. 2 weeks later Nick moved in, the following year we brought out first house and was married the year later. I discovered I was pregnant, I carried Luke till 20 weeks but unfortunately he died a few weeks prior to this, I was heartbroken 💔 but we vowed to try again. Nick launched his own business and we moved home to allow the funds for this, and I discovered I was pregnant again, sadly the baby died again at 13 weeks, and I was told I would never have another baby, if I did I wouldn’t carry full term – that was a blow, I felt like I had failed Nick.
Nicks parents health started to fail, and so we moved again to be closer to them, they both died in quick succession, but there was light as I fell pregnant again, I was scared to death, I started suffering from mental health and just at the end of their pregnancy Nick walked away from the business his mental health suffering. Paris arrived in the world 6 weeks early, she was incubated as struggling to breathe, but bounced back quickly and we were soon heading home.
We decided to move to Lincolnshire as it was a happy place from my childhood and we needed the change, Leah was a year off senior school and Essex was becoming a rat race, but a year on we couldn’t sell the house, we had to stay. We settled Leah into secondary school with the aim of trying again before her options and moved out of town locally. We downsized so we could get a bigger garden for the girls and just after we moved in I was made redundant the week before Christmas. I took temp jobs for a bit, but we were struggling financially, then I fell pregnant with Charley-Jean, again I went into labour 5 weeks early. Then struggled with post natal depression.
Work was boring, we were barely surviving each month and I landed an account manager job for a recruitment agency, hours were perfect 6-2 so we had less childcare costs. A year into the job I was doing so well they wanted me to help out with another site and go full time, no pay rise, we looked at the finances and decided we could just about do it, however fast forward a year I was managing 5 sites across two cities, I was on call 24/7. I’d leave the house at 5 and be home around 8 or 9. I complained, shouted for a pay rise and when one didn’t come had a breakdown
After walking out, I took another recruitment job, lasted 6 month the longest anyone had ever lasted! Then took another recruitment role, was promoted within the first 6 months and loved it!! That was until the new director started, and the bullying began…
It was at this point that Leah dropped out of college and we decided now was the time to fulfil our Lincolnshire dream. We spent the next few months preparing the house for sale, got it on the market just before Xmas we had 3 offers in the 1st week! We found the house and I moved up straight away coming home at weekends, but I found being away from family to tough, so quit and came back to get the house packed up. A month before we were ready to leave Essex Leah announced she wasn’t coming and was moving in with her boyfriends parents, I went to pull the plug, but she wanted us to go, so we went.
The next few years were the happiest I have ever been, but change was once again around the bend. My parents decided to return from Spain were they had lived for several years, they had lost a lot of money and although they wanted to settle between me in Lincolnshire and my sister in the new forest could only afford Lincolnshire, they rented in my town in, and it was the closest I had been to them location wise since my early twenties. I wanted to get close to them, and spent a lot of time with mum trying to get to know her. My sister didn’t like this, and mum asked me to stop spending time with her. So we stopped. In January 2015 mum had a heart attack down in the new forest whilst packing up my sister’s home (she was moving up here). She recovered, but her breathing didn’t, for Paris’ birthday in March we went out to a NT house and she couldn’t walk around the gardens, I sat with her much of the day and she cried that she couldn’t get around.
Her health deteriorated quickly she was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer which had matasticised, I didn’t realise until late summer that it was terminal, mum and dad kept it a secret as didn’t want to tell us, I would spend every moment I could with her, I would work from her home or head there straight from work till late evening, I learnt to love her, we became the best of friends a time I will cherish all my life.
In November 2015 I found a lump on my breast, I was told it was a cist but sent along for a check, mum was going downhill fast now and on the 21st December she transitioned, on the 23rd December I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
We didn’t tell a soul, dad was broken, the girls were grieving and we had Christmas to get through. Mums funeral was set in the new year and my first operation the day after, so we had to sit dad and the girls down and explain. Paris and Charley-Jean were petrified they had just lost there Nan, were they going to lose me too?
2 weeks after mums funeral dad announced he had met someone else, my world was at breaking point 😞 Nick was so angry with him, I withdrew into myself, I stopped talking to anyone focusing on getting through this, Nick and I began to fight as I was shutting him out too, summer 2016 I decided I was leaving, my marriage was failing and I needed to focus on me. Nick broke down and fought for me, I didn’t leave and we worked hard at getting back to where we had been beforehand.
I stopped speaking to dad, couldn’t cope with the situation and apart from this life started getting amazing again 😊
Last year I started on a spiritual journey, have always been on one really and have always known there was more out there, I started meditation as it helped with my panic attacks, and in the September I met the amazing Sarah Morgan who started me on the journey with acknowledging my Higher Self, I started a course with 5th Dimension Earth and started releasing fear around my life. I reconciled with dad, and accepted my parents part in my journey and life path.
From this love and acceptance comes growth and I am now so very truly aligned to my souls purpose. I am in a place of balance and calm, I love who I am, instead of hating myself I celebrate the individual I am. I never fitted in but I wasn’t meant to – I wouldn’t be who I am if I had
I today celebrate the strong independent powerful woman that I am, I know my destiny and yes it’s scary but I am embracing what was predestined for me.
As we head out of 2030 into 2021 I set the intention to believe in this journey and enjoy and celebrate every moment